Friday 2 January 2015

Another vague review of another vague year

I'm not one for incredibly cringe-worthy, overly sentimental, embarrassingly cliched updates about how great my year was. Over the last few days social media has been full of them, and not only have they made me want to vomit from the very depths of my stomach but, and perhaps more importantly, they've also been terribly written. Seriously, no-one gives a flying f*ck if your year has been full of ups and downs but you've somehow made it through thanks to the support and love of the people around you (they know who they are). Humanity is a selfish species and really everyone only cares about how good or otherwise their own year has been, which is what posting updates about it is for. "Look at me. Times have been tough but I'm still alive so please like this status to show that you care about that fact."

It's bollocks, isn't it? However, while I don't like bollocks, I do like sarcasm. So here, as a follow up to the hardly read and mostly forgotten about 2013: A year in review, I give you 2014: A year in review, based largely on social media updates and the limited amount I've cared to remember.

January.
January is a month that seems like ages ago, because it was ages ago. It's at times like this that I regret making most of my Facebook updates total irreverent bullshit because it's damn hard to figure out what they actually meant when you look back on them. Anyway, apparently I went to my granddad's birthday and looked relatively well-groomed next to my gran.

February.
As it standard practice, February followed January. I turned 24, watched the Lego movie and had my bike stolen. Also a girl said, 'Let's just be friends,' as if she was being all original and new. You weren't, love, you were just another thing I'll skim over in my annual blog post about the last year.

March.
By the end of March I'd been going to the gym for a while and was feeling in fine physical shape. I was meant to do a 10k but instead it turned out I wasn't in fine physical shape and passed out. Never mind, these legs of mine were meant for skinny jeans, not running.

April.
After nearly 7 years of not being able to eat sugar due to blasted diabetes, some nurse told me that if I changed my insulin I could totally eat sugar. Cheers pet. I had some cheesecake and it tasted awful, but it was nice to be given the opportunity. 

May.
According to Facebook I left my job in May, which is true. However it fails to mention that I left it for a better one that paid me more money and din't piss me about with my contract for weeks on end. Not that I'm bitter about it or anything. I moved to Sheffield, started afresh and stopped pronouncing half my words in the correct manner.

June.
I lived in a dead shiny new flat by June, but it quickly emerged that it was near nowhere and nothing, and all I could do for fun was see how often I could walk past the local pub without being attacked for dressing like a, quote 'Daaaawwnn saarrfff knobhead.'

July.
In July I became a champion.

August.
Found out I was being kicked out of my flat in three months so my landlord's daughter could move in rent free. Not sure if this was legal or not but never mind; the place was full of spiders and it smelt funny at night. Sure daddy would have fixed that for her by now.

September.
I had some top banter with a letting agent this month. Not often you can say that, really, so I'm saying it right now. I probably did other stuff too but you're likely bored of this shit already so I'll keep it brief.

October.
This was the most pathetic month of my life. Genuinely. I've had shit months where I've felt down and not been up for waking up in the morning, but in October I passed out twice, knocking myself out on both occasions, got a life threatening complication of an illness, suffered multiple fractures of my skull AND spilt two cappuccinos. I can't remember anything else because I was unconscious in hospital for most of it, but I'm pretty sure I also moved flat else it makes no sense at all me being where I currently am.

November.
No idea what I did here. Apparently none of it was worth talking about. I was probably just grateful to be able to walk unaided.

December.
I liked this month. I started dating a girl who wanted to see me more than once. I can only assume she drinks heavily or can't see too clearly, either way, I'll take it because she's lovely. I also bought some snakeskin brogues. Haters are, as is well known, going to hate, but they can hate whilst I'm walking in style.


So there you have it. 2014 without a single 'I'm so grateful for the people who love me', not one 'So happy to spend the new year with this cutie!' and no sight at all of any 'I'm going to make the most of every second of the next 12 months. Bring it on.'

Go sort yourselves out.